wasna

i used to eat wasna
when i was a kid
and many times after that
in my dreams
spiritual food some might say
while others warn
don't take food from the dead
in your sleep
it's a trick you see
to take you to the other side

i loved to eat it as a kid
because it looked
like sand
and so i'd pretend
that it was

unlike all those mudpies
made from pee
that other boys
made me eat
as a child i built up a tolerance
to unpleasant sights and smells
or like putting certain things
inside the mouth
the boys told me
"See, this is what men and women do
it's as simple as tying a shoe"
but i never tied and i never denied
because if you do all the other children will hate you
and then you cannot play
"you look pretty like a girl"
ok, i must be one of them
and we'd all play pretend
it's so easy
to be codependent on boys
on men
they make you
want to believe in them
like santa or angels
-and angels have wings
most certainly so
but angels will never do
dirty things
like them
and if they ever went too far with playing doctor
on my body
or playing mommy and daddy
i used to pretend
that i was dead
but boys
poke dead things
with sticks
and yes it's sick
but everyone wants to believe
in innocence
and i just wanted to believe
but nothing made sense
because once they were all done with me
they'd hurry and bury
the things they no longer wanted to see
and no one could play cars anymore
no cops and robbers
only death threats and beat downs
because that's how things were played out
in our town
and i took them threats
like food from the dead
but nothing ever came
for me

sometimes
i still eat wasna
in my dreams
and the boys still use sticks
to poke at dead things